Congratulations! You've got a toddler. And what you've realized is, it's not working out for you. Good news, though--you can read. So here are some reminders and ideas for dealing with your precious ball of energy and defiance. First, remember that there are several things are happening with toddlers:
1)They are gaining control over their bodies. They can make their bodies say "No" in many, creative ways, such as going limp in your arms and slipping to the floor in a pile of skin and sorrow, or holding their arms and legs stiff so that getting them into a car-seat requires a staple gun.
2)They are learning language. They have learned the power of "No" and "Mine." They are establishing, in their own minds, the ways they are separate from their parents and handlers. The big language issue is that they don't have quite enough to say what they want--they often have no words to form the idea of what they want, leading to frustration and throwing things.
3)They are miniature scientists. They are beginning to establish for themselves the rules of how the world works. Who's in charge here? What are the boundaries? "I mean, she SAID don't walk away, but that aisle of WalMart looks AWESOME and"...you see the problem. Also, they cannot connect their own actions and consequences yet. Let me repeat that. THEY CANNOT CONNECT THEIR OWN ACTIONS AND CONSEQUENCES YET. If you punish them after they have done the thing you told them not to do, believing that by explaining to them why you punished them, you have taught them a valuable lesson, well, as the Dread Pirate Roberts said, "Get used to disappointment." The trick to modifying behavior is long-term consistency. On the 154th time, a twinge of recognition will happen in the fiendish little brain you are striving to manipulate. On the 213th, the toddler might actually remember WHILE in the act of doing the thing. Somewhere around the 687th repetition, the toddler might actually think, "Oh! You DON'T want me to climb up the bookcases and pull down your nutcracker collection. Why didn't you say so!"
So, here are the basics of toddler wrangling. I did not create the rules. I just noticed them. A few are immutable, because of the nature of the toddler. Others may vary according to the actual toddler.
1)Forget everything you've heard about time out. "One minute per year of life" is diaper fill. The purpose of time out is to hit the reset button. It is not a punishment. If you read #3 above, you'll note that toddlers aren't making those kinds of connections. They can't do that thing that punishments requires, which is, "What? You say that this behavior is undesirable and I will receive something negative if I do it? Gadzooks! I had no idea! I will stop that immediately!" If your toddler is spiraling (due to fatigue or sheer will power--they look the same), it's time for time out. Probably for the rest of the day. And immediately. If you are grocery shopping, just leave it. Walk away. Duct tape screaming toddler into car-seat and return home. Place toddler in safe room. Close door or child-proof fence. Go read a book. The immutable lesson here is "Screaming people aren't fun to be with. I will not spend time with you when you are screaming. Get control of yourself and we'll talk." Self-comfort is the ultimate goal of the toddler years. If you are ever going to get this kid to live on his/her own, he/she will need to be able to figure this stuff out. Not screaming is basic. Some adults and presidents never learn it. You are doing your child a favor if you remove every possible reward for screaming. What you're going for here is not so much punishment as it is offering them the chance to practice self-comfort. As they get better at that (still approximately 700 repetitions, possibly happening in a two week period), their need to tantrum will lessen. Eventually.
2)Prevention is everything. Think about what you know about this beautiful child: what are his/her needs? I have known toddlers whose needs were constant stimulation, others whose needs were very controlled stimulation, others whose needs focused mainly around food and the availability thereof, and at least one who was really pretty good, all the time, until he wasn't. What situations tend to lead him/her into troubled waters? Some toddlers can't take more than a couple of hours out in the world--they need their own space to reset. Some can do great for days, and then collapse into piles of drama and tragedy when the cookie in their right hand breaks. So, when you can, live the way the child needs. And when you can't, don't worry about it. One of the things you are establishing for this child is that it's not always about him/her, but sometimes it is. They should get what they need, specifically and completely, some days. And on the days when they can't have that, because you have things you have to do as an adult, they have to learn to suck that up.
3)Power. Right now, you have it. You can physically make them do what you need them to do. This is fleeting. And limited, even now. Right now, you are deciding what battles you would like to fight with your teenager. Would you still like to be fighting with a 13 year old who has tantrums? A 16 year old? A 33 year old? Modern parents don't like the idea that their children should fear them. Your children should not fear that you will hurt them--that was for us, back in the 70's! Your children SHOULD fear what you will do to them if they break your rules. Warnings are crap. Stop doing that. Never say to a toddler, "If you do that one more time..." because, of course, every good scientist knows that you HAVE to do it then, just to see what will happen. Nap time is nap time and bed time is bed time. If they get out of the bed, put them back into it. Every time. Nothing else happens. No emotions, no lectures--no interaction of any kind, really. They are just wildly unsuccessful at staying out of bed. Tantrums get them removed from human society. For the rest of the day until meal time. You are the grown-up. You are bigger than this child. You get your way. Period. Remembering #2 (they should get their way sometimes--Ephesians 6 advises against angering children unnecessarily, and it is good advice), you should get your way most of the time. You are preparing this child to live with 7 billion other people. If he or she has any chance at all of getting along, he/she will need to have the skills of ceding power to others sometimes. This is an enormous gift you are giving your child. Don't take it lightly. Respect for power, and understanding the limits of his/her own power actually enables children, teens and young adults to function better in schools, in social situations, in jobs and in relationships. My husband always used to sing to our children, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need." Unlikely though Mick Jagger might be as parenting guru, that is the best philosophy of child-rearing I know.
The Grace of All This Inordinately Hard Work
ABSOLUTE TRUTH: If you do this work now, with your toddler, you will never have to do it to this extent again. This is not to say that they won't, as teenagers, come up with some interesting stuff. Teenagers have a gift for knowing the one thing that makes their parents crazy. But if you have established yourselves as real parents, in charge, with veto power, final say, and as the holder of all things good and happy (like every toy they ever owned), you will only have to remind them of these things when they are teenagers. You won't have to try to establish this with someone whose raging hormones and floppy, over-sized feet are sending them in all directions at once. You take the phone. You take the car. You take the computer, or Xbox, or permission to participate in activities and you're done. They will moan and complain, but it will be in keeping of the world as they understand it to function.
Good luck! You've got this! And you're doing great! You have a well-loved child, and this makes children resilient and strong. Be as kind to yourself as you possibly can, and remember that every good child needs something to tell the psychiatrist later on in life.
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